Dharma Punx - an Excerpt16 October 2003
Dharma Punxis a book by MBA co-founder and ex-inmate, Noah Levine.
This excerpt is from the fall 2003 edition of MBA Allstars Newsletter.
I was introduced to meditation in 1988 while incarcerated in Juvenile Hall, this is how it went down.
*******
The years of violence and street life had finally caught up with me. There was nowhere to hide from the life of addiction and crime that I had created.
*******
Waking up in a padded cell, my head bruised and bloody, I screamed with rage at an unknown assailant. The padded walls and cushioned floor trapped me in there with my worst enemy, Myself.
*******
This time in juvenile hall something was different, I could see where I was and it scared me. It was more real and for the first time in my life, I knew that where I was and what I had become was my fault. I was the only one to blame. I had always blamed everyone else: the cops, the system, society, my teachers, my family; everyone but myself. ‘I was a victim of my surroundings, product of my environment.’ But none of that was working any more.
I was the one stealing, taking drugs and hurting people. I was the one who had broken the window to steal the stereo to get a fix. I was in jail because of my actions not because of any one else.
*******
On the phone with my father, I told him about all the regret and fear I was experiencing. He suggested that some simple meditation techniques might help alleviate some of the pain I was feeling. He explained to me that by “bringing the mind into the present moment, the present experience of being, I may be able to find some freedom from the regret of the past and the fear of the future”. He said that much of the pain I was experiencing was due to replaying the events of the past and making up stories about the future. He reminded me that in the present moment I had food to eat, a bed to sleep in and clothes to wear. Although I was still quite uncomfortable from all of the abuse I had put myself through I could see that he was probably right.
My dad had been telling me things like this my whole life but I had never really heard him until that day. He said “The best way to keep the mind in the present moment, in the beginning, is through awareness of breathing”. He offered me the simple instruction:
“Bring your awareness to the breath by focusing your attention on the sensation of breathing. Attempt to stay with the sensations of each breath through counting each inhalation and exhalation, trying to count to ten, breathing in, one, breathing out, two. Whenever the mind wanders off to the thoughts of the future or past, gently bring it back to the breath and start over at one. If you can actually stay with the breath all the way to ten then start over again at one”.
After talking for a little while about other things, I thanked him for the suggestion about meditation and said I would give it a try.
*******
In my cell that night I tried to do my Dads’ dumb breathing meditations. I might as well be dead if I have to do all this fucking bullshit in order to become human again. But I am locked up and there is nothing else to do, so what the fuck, might as well check this shit out. Nothing I have been doing has worked, and there is nowhere else to turn, so I guess this is my best bet.
But still I wondered, what good could this possibly do for me when I am going to spend the rest of my life in prison. I probably had done too much damage to my mind to be able to get any benefits from meditating. After all I had been taking drugs and drinking since I was a kid. Fuck it, I thought, I’ll try it. Right there on that hard cement bed with the thin plastic mattress I closed my eyes to attempt to “count my breath”. *******
The meditations did seem to help a little, at least a few seconds here and there, when I was able to focus on my breath I felt better and forget that I was locked up.
*******
10 Years Later-
Going back into the same Juvenile Hall that I had began my meditation practice in so many years earlier was an incredible experience of my life having come full circle. As we walked into the gates of Santa Cruz County Juvenile Hall, I was feeling kind of nervous yet very confident. Memories of being handcuffed in the back of cop cars and all the court dates, probation officers and piss tests of my youth flash through my mind.
After leading the group in a fifteen-minute guided mindfulness meditation, on the breath and sensations, we went around the circle again. I asked them to share how they were feeling now and if it was any different than when we had started. The reports varied from, “I feel really relaxed and calm” to “I feel high, like I just smoked a big fat joint”. No one claimed to still feel bad about being there and one young lady said, “For the first time since I have been here I felt safe and peaceful, I almost forgot I was even
locked up”.
Property of Harper collins San Francisco for educational purposes only.
Quotes—————much of the pain I was experiencing was due to replaying the events of the past over and over in my mind
